Difficult Conversations Skill
A structured framework for approaching challenging workplace conversations including conflicts, performance issues, sensitive feedback, and emotionally charged discussions.
When to Use This Skill
- Preparing for a challenging conversation with a colleague
- Addressing performance issues with a team member
- Delivering difficult feedback to a peer or manager
- Navigating conflict between team members
- Discussing sensitive topics (salary, promotion, termination)
- Handling emotional or defensive reactions
- Following up after difficult discussions
Core Framework: Preparation-Delivery-Followup
Difficult conversations succeed or fail based on three phases:
Phase 1: Preparation (Before)
Purpose: Set yourself up for a productive conversation
-
Clarify the Issue
- What specifically happened? (Observable facts only)
- What is the impact? (On you, team, work)
- What do you need to change?
-
Check Your Emotions
- What am I feeling? Why?
- Am I calm enough to have this conversation?
- What might trigger me during this conversation?
-
Consider Their Perspective
- How might they see this situation?
- What constraints or pressures might they have?
- What do they care about that I can acknowledge?
-
Define Your Goal
- What outcome do I want?
- What is the minimum acceptable result?
- What am I willing to compromise on?
Phase 2: Delivery (During)
Purpose: Have the conversation effectively
-
Open Neutrally
- Start with facts, not judgments
- Express intent to understand, not accuse
- Create psychological safety
-
Share Your Perspective
- Describe behavior, not character
- Focus on impact, not intention
- Use "I" statements, not "you always"
-
Listen Actively
- Ask clarifying questions
- Acknowledge their viewpoint
- Look for shared interests
-
Seek Resolution
- Propose specific actions
- Agree on next steps
- Set check-in timeline
Phase 3: Followup (After)
Purpose: Ensure lasting resolution
-
Document Agreements
- What was agreed?
- Who does what by when?
- How will you measure success?
-
Check Progress
- Follow up as promised
- Acknowledge improvements
- Address continued issues promptly
-
Maintain Relationship
- Separate issue from person
- Rebuild trust over time
- Watch for regression
Key Principles
Separate Impact from Intent
What happened: Observable behavior
What I felt: Your emotional response
What I assume: Their intention (often wrong)
Focus conversation on behavior and impact, not assumed intentions.
The SBI Model
Situation: When and where did this happen?
Behavior: What specifically did they do/say?
Impact: What was the effect on you, the team, or the work?
Managing Emotions
| If You Feel |
Before Acting |
| Angry |
Wait 24 hours, write but don't send |
| Hurt |
Talk to neutral party first |
| Anxious |
Practice the conversation |
| Defensive |
Identify your contribution |
When to Escalate
Escalate when:
- Safety is at risk
- Legal issues involved
- Repeated conversations haven't worked
- Power dynamics prevent resolution
- You need documentation
Conversation Types
Performance Feedback
- Lead with specific examples
- Connect to expectations/standards
- Focus on future improvement
- Offer support and resources
Conflict Resolution
- Hear both sides separately first
- Identify underlying interests
- Look for win-win solutions
- Document agreements
Sensitive Topics
- Choose private, neutral setting
- Allow time for processing
- Be direct but compassionate
- Respect confidentiality
Receiving Feedback
- Thank them for feedback
- Ask clarifying questions
- Don't defend immediately
- Reflect before responding
References (Load When Needed)
Detailed Frameworks
See Also
feedback-mastery skill - SBI feedback model (overlaps but more feedback-focused)professional-effective-communication skill - General communication patterns
Example Scenarios
Scenario 1: Addressing Missed Deadlines
**Issue:** Team member missed 3 deadlines in past month
**Impact:** Project delayed, others blocked
**Goal:** Understand root cause, agree on prevention plan
**Opening:** "I wanted to check in about the recent deliverables. I've noticed
the last three have come in past deadline, and I'd like to understand what's
happening and how we can address it together."
Scenario 2: Peer Conflict
**Issue:** Colleague publicly criticized your work in meeting
**Impact:** Embarrassed, trust damaged
**Goal:** Address behavior, rebuild working relationship
**Opening:** "I'd like to talk about what happened in yesterday's standup.
When you said my code 'missed obvious issues,' I felt called out in front
of the team. I'd like to understand your concerns and find a better way
to handle code quality feedback."
Scenario 3: Asking Manager for Raise
**Issue:** Feel underpaid relative to market/contribution
**Impact:** Demotivation, considering leaving
**Goal:** Discuss compensation, get timeline or adjustment
**Opening:** "I'd like to discuss my compensation. I've been here two years,
taken on the payments project leadership, and want to make sure my salary
reflects my contributions and the current market."
Anti-Patterns to Avoid
In Preparation
- Scripting every word - You'll sound robotic; prepare themes, not scripts
- Building a case - This isn't a trial; seek understanding, not winning
- Waiting too long - Issues compound; address promptly
In Delivery
- Starting with "You always..." - Triggers defensiveness immediately
- Burying the lead - Get to the point; don't soften excessively
- Asking leading questions - "Don't you think..." isn't asking
In Followup
- Forgetting to check in - Without follow-up, nothing changes
- Holding grudges - Issue resolved means relationship continues
- Over-documenting - Not everything needs written record
Success Metrics
A successful difficult conversation:
- Both parties feel heard
- Specific actions are agreed
- Relationship is preserved or improved
- The issue doesn't recur (or has clear escalation)
- Neither party is blindsided later
